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Vash Vs Kanta
Trigun Vs Desert Punk! Which underestimated gunslinger will outwit, outshoot and outlast the other? Intro Boomstick: The apocalypse of humanity is, let's face it, inevitable. At the rate we're going, it won't be long until we've reduced our own kind to living in nothing but a massive desert. And then, when the harshest of conditions will be forcing us to the brinks of our capabilities to survive... Wiz: We'll still be idiots who shoot each other and perv on women. Human nature. Boomstick: Tonight, we've got a treat lined up for ya. A mercenary in it for the cash is going up to collect one of the biggest bounties the world has ever seen, but in the least serious way possible. Wiz: Vash the Stampede, Humanoid Typhoon, and goofy gunslinger. Boomstick: And Kanta the Punk, Demon of the Desert and sick-minded survivalist. He's Wiz, and I'm Boomstick. Wiz: And its our job to analyze their weapons, armour, and skills, in order to find out who would win... a Death Battle. Vash Wiz: Hundreds of hundreds of years ago, humanity doomed its own planet. In a desperate bid for the revival of its species, the last remaining humans put themselves into cryogenic sleep and launched themselves into space in massive starships, in the hopes of finding and settling on some other world. Boomstick: Eventually, they did. After a crash-landing and rude awakening, the last remaining humans found themselves on a habitable planet they named Planet Gunsmoke. Probably because that’s the first thing they smelled when exiting the ship; the place was a god damn barren desert wasteland! Wiz: But beggars can’t be choosers. Over time, humanity started to adapt to the conditions of the planet, and seven major settlements were created, each a city named after the months of the year. That isn’t to say everything went smoothly, for even in such hard times, criminal gangs were formed to take advantage of the weak and helpless. But never in the history of humanity, past or present, had there been a wanted man so dangerous as the one who made himself known by destroying the entire city of July in one fell swoop. Boomstick: That man, was named Vash. And he did it by accident. Wiz: Accident or not, the brief appearance of Vash was slapped on a wanted poster, along with the epithets “Stampede” and “Humanoid Typhoon”, as well as a 60 billion double-dollar bounty. To put it in perspective from our currency, since a bag of a dozen donuts was about 30 double-dollars, Vash’s bounty was approximately 30 billion USD, twelve-hundred times larger than the highest criminal bounty in our current history. Boomstick: One would think that if one man was worth more money than the entire planet probably had, then he’d be too dangerous to go after. Yet, that’s how Vash spent every day of his life since the incident: fighting off eager bounty hunters who got a little cocky. That all finally stopped when the government declared him an official natural disaster and voided his bounty, but that’s when personal enemies stepped in, so the gods of fate, death, and bullets didn’t seem to be so kind to him. Wiz: Vash’s abilities are far, far superior to the average man’s, and he has been able to defeat several gangs of criminals and bounty hunters without firing a single bullet. This is because, as you may have guessed, Vash the Stampede isn’t actually a human. He’s a plant. Boomstick: No, not one of those stupid ent or mandrake living magical vegetables, we’re talking the cool kinds of plants. Power plants. Wiz: I bet Greenpeace just loves you, Boomstick. Boomstick: As a plant, Vash is kinda like an alien which exists in multiple dimensions, and functions as a very large source of energy. Of course, greedy humans are greedy, and we tapped into most plants we could find to fuel our lives. Vash and his brother Knives just happened to be plants in human form, meaning they could walk around freely. How, you ask? I don’t know, ask the pilot of the spaceships. Wiz: Yes, that spaceship. Vash was born shortly before the arrival at Gunsmoke, and is actually around 180 years old, giving him an impressive lifetime of experience, as well as access to powerful weaponry from days gone by. Although he’s a pacifist and absolutely refuses to kill, he has several different types of guns he can put to use should the need actually arise. Boomstick: Vash’s main draw is the .45 Long Colt, a massive silver revolver that stuns all who lay eyes on it. The gun was custom made by his brother Knives as part of a matching set, but since the two fell apart, lack of maintenance turned it into a piece of crap that couldn’t aim straight. Luckily, Vash made friends with an expert local gunsmith, who fine-tuned the piece into a beautiful work of art that could snipe from over 200 feet away. Even longer when Vash ties it to a string so he can fire while hiding somewhere else. Wiz: The gun’s barrel is aligned in the six-o’clock position instead of the conventional 12, and is designed for left-handed use. Vash’s usage of it with his right hand is an incredible testament to his skill, as he is such a good shot that the gun’s mere six shot limit doesn’t weight him down at all. Boomstick: For a gun designed by a living power plant with egomaniacal issues, it packs a shit-load more power than your average revolver, which is partly why Vash tries to avoid ever firing it. When he does, four bullets pack enough force to deflect a 200-kilometer-per-hour giant robotic fist capable of punching down an entire building. If that description wasn’t a dead ringer that this was anime, I don’t know what else could possibly be. Wiz: Vash does have the means to reload this gun, but often doesn’t have to since he’s an expert at finding the perfect place to hit in a fraction of a second. His reaction speed is matched only by his brother, and he is capable of dodging a storm of bullets so heavy they destroyed a wall, and firing a mere three shots off to cripple the source. Boomstick: Any time Vash can save a bullet, he will, such as the time he grabbed a kid’s dart gun and eliminated six bandits with headshots while being held hostage point-blank. More often than not, he’ll just let the opponent waste their own ammo, since not only can he count the rounds of multiple machine guns firing at once, he can also dodge getting shot like nobody’s business. Wiz: Vash the Stampede puts on the facade of a fool, and while he certainly is a fun-loving happy guy, it isn’t dumb luck that allows him to avoid bullets like most people think. For the record, machine-gun bullets can fire nearly five times the speed of sound, yet Vash can dodge them practically with his eyes closed. He is even capable of dodging bullets while sitting on a barstool, or while having all his nerves paralyzed, at the cost of going though an expensive coat-budget. Boomstick: Yeah, you don’t find fashion like that easily. Not even at Hot Topic. You’d think he’d try replacing it with something bulletproof. Wiz: He has, once. Boomstick: Oh. I guess the ribbons just look cool. Wiz: However, when Vash does need to expend more than a small handful of shells, that’s where his left arm comes in handy. I’ll let you do the rundown while I see if I can adjust my own to match. For demonstration purposes. Boomstick: After Vash got Yanged by his brother, his arm was replaced by a cybernetic enhancement. It functions well as a normal arm, but the palm can slide back under the wrist which pops out to reveal a deadly sidearm. At first it used to be a subatomic pistol, but since Vash was starting to accept that sometimes dakka is the best way to deal with a bitch, he upgraded it to a submachine gun. How does he reload? Nobody knows. Wiz: Augh! I think I... AUGH!!!! Boomstick: Heh heh, and I thought I was the show’s local embarrassment. Well, should any of these pieces need another upgrade, Vash can always return home to his Seeds ship for repairs. It’s here where he also finds technology lost to humans, like microscopic earpiece radios perfect for stealth. Wiz: Well... grrhh... ah, outside of Vash’s guns, he packs a nice set of... well, guns. Muscles. The Stampede is stronger than the average human by many times over, to the point where he can move giant steel vault doors with one hand, kick away cannonballs, and lift the massive Punisher. Boomstick: The Punisher is one of my favourite fictional weapons ever, but to classify it as a gun is a little unfair. It’s a massive cross given to him by the mercenary priest Nicholas D Woolfwood, and is so heavy it requires four regular men or one 6’6” insurance saleswomen to lift. That’s because, in Nick’s own words, it’s so full of mercy. And by mercy, he of course means lead dispensers. The Punisher’s long end houses two machine guns, held and aimed by a simple grip at the centerpiece. The two arms are two racks which hold a total of eight Grader 2043 hand pistols, and the cherry on top is the headpiece, which has... well, what else?! A rocket launcher! Wiz: A rocket launcher so powerful, it was capable of destroying the seemingly indestructible android Grey the Ninelives. Yet we haven’t even touched upon Vash’s most powerful arm... his arm. His non-robotic limb. Boomstick: Are you okay today, Wiz? Wiz: As we mentioned earlier, Vash is a living plant, and such plants have been used in order to provide power to entire cities. Vash is capable of transforming his arm into a massive cannon aptly named the Angel Arm, and unleashing massive blasts of energy from it. It was a blast from this weapon that destroyed the city of July, and later, blasted a crater in the moon. Boomstick: The obvious drawback to a weapon this powerful is that, as a pacifist, this much energy output kills him... literally and figuratively. After firing, his hair starts to turn black, and when there’s no more blonde, game over. But still, the weapon was implied to be able to blow up the whole planet when fully charged. Kinda makes mentioning the tiny knife in his shoe to finish off the arsenal rundown a bit silly. Wiz: The two times Vash fired and destroyed so much happened when Vash’s brother Knives took advantage of the links between kin and activated the weapons against his will. Vash also managed to take advantage of the connection once, where he willingly fired his Angel Arm simply as a tiny black hole in order to nullify Knives’ weapon. Boomstick: Knives can absorb other plants into his being, amplifying his power, and Vash can likely do the same. Even if he can’t, he can still fight evenly against Knives in this super-state, save humanity from a second extinction, and avoid the destruction of the planet, while upholding his pacifist values. Man, if you’re that skilled, who needs to kill? Wiz: Well, Vash’s refusal to kill has gotten him into trouble plenty of times. Even with his insane reaction speeds, his body is covered head to toe with massive scars he has received from being too kind to his opponents. If he fails to make a key shot out of fear of hitting a vital area, Vash can get wounded like any regular man despite his plant body, and even worse, can open up pre-existing wounds if he deems it necessary to exert himself. Boomstick: Vash has been caught off-guard before multiple times, and while he can keep up a game of chase for over three hours, one injury can reduce his stamina to five minutes of action. And if I had a double-dollar for every time someone put Vash into a no-win situation and tried to force him to kill, man I’d be rich. Wiz: Most of these standoffs ended with interference from an outside party killing on Vash’s behalf, but that doesn’t stand as a loophole around Vash’s vows. Vash will go out of his way to protect innocent lives, and should he fail to save everyone, he can either turn into a sad mess of a man, or turn into a roaring rampage of pacifistic revenge. Boomstick: That goes double for women. Man, is this guy a pervert or what? While he’ll put himself in danger to save a woman’s life, he’ll also put himself in danger in order to catch a peak under her skirt. And when faced with a deadly female assassin, instead of taking advantage of his super-speed to immobilize her before she could realize, he decided to nearly grope her instead. But take it from me, any man who can open up a shirt faster than the brain can comprehend is a legend. Wiz: Vash the Stampede has defeated countless opponents, each deadlier and more bizarre than the last. This includes a hive-mind of insects, a sniper with a twenty-foot rifle, a man with jet turbines for arms, a deadly saxophone player, and a man who can control people like puppets. Boomstick: He’s stopped bullets by throwing rocks at them, can balance an egg on his gun, and once won a duel at ten paces by drawing, turning around, firing, and disarming a man who was already aiming to kill him. Wiz: If only such an unfortunate bounty and reputation weren’t in the way, then perhaps Vash’s efforts to save humanity from his brother could become much more appreciated. Only then can he finally live among us surrounded by... Boomstick: LOVE AND PEACE!!! Vash: I don't let anyone in my sight get away, and my bullets never miss their mark. Especially if it's the heart of a beautiful lady... BANG. Kanta Wiz: The Great Kanto Desert. During the day, the temperature rises to above 50 degrees Celsius, and at night, it drops below freezing. The ruins of an ancient civilization that disappeared several hundred years ago stretch across it like a graveyard. A sight only befitting that of a desert. Here, the last remnants of humanity work together to survive, pushed to their very limits. Boomstick: And the dumbasses fail miserably. Wiz: There is very little cooperation to be found in this desert; with water as a scarce resource and the government’s apathy doing little to help civilians, most people work day and night to make ends meet and ensure their survival to the next sunrise. Stopping to help someone else is a bad choice, unless they can make a fair payment. Boomstick: But, with pretty much no law enforcement, crime is everywhere. That’s why various Handyman guilds dot the landscapes, willing to sell out their services in exchange for all the cash ya got. The desert has its heroes, villains, and legends, but few names stand out more than the great Handyman of the West Oasis... the Desert Punk. Wiz: Underneath the helmet, the Desert Punk is known as Kanta Mizuno, a 17-year old kid from Water Station #30. While most people are surprised such a famous mercenary is seemingly just a child, Kanta’s experience goes well beyond his years. Born and raised in poverty, Kanta lived his early life either dangerously fooling around with his friends, or working hard for a father he considered useless. Boomstick: But everything changed when his dad decided to pack up and move his family to the rich city... and got rejected at the gate. But still, upon seeing the massive walls separating a paradise from the hell of the desert outside, Kanta started dreaming big. Soon, dad died, and Kanta took up his gun in order to make a living. Wiz: The vast majority of a Handyman’s jobs are menial tasks performed as a quick service, such as delivering packages, helping with construction, walking dogs or cleaning manure. However, Kanta is still proud of this work, as in his own words, it prepares him for everything. With hundreds of skills and jobs he’s performed in his lifetime, Kanta can adapt to any situation, which helps him out when jobs get more exciting. Boomstick: It’s not often the same guy you call to clean your chimney is the same guy you call a day later to carry out an assassination, or be your bodyguard, or destroy a gang. But Kanta does everything he’s tasked with to perfection, giving himself the reputation as the toughest mercenary in the desert. Wiz: Of course, this reputation is what sends several others after his life in order to boost their own biographies. Thankfully, Kanta is very well-versed in combat, employing games on both the physical level and the mental level in order to not only defeat his opponents, but leave them in such a state of utter terror they never go after him again. Boomstick: Brain aside, Kanta’s preferred weapon of choice is his 1987 Winchester Shotgun. Packing two 500-mm 12-gauge barrels, it’s no more or no less reliable than your average shotgun, but he holds onto it as if it were made out of solid gold. Because, of course, it’s not the gun you have, it’s how you use it. Wiz: Kanta inherited this gun from his father, thus giving it sentimental value. However, with specialized rounds, Kanta can do much more than shoot bullets. Kanta’s assortment of rounds includes regular shells, radar jammers, flashbangs, flares, smokescreens and grenades, which he can either fire from a distance, or drop up close for surprise attacks. Boomstick: Even though shotguns generally only pack a range of 100 meters, Kanta wields his with the accuracy of a sniper rifle. If an actual sniper rifle is called for, the Desert Punk also carries the bolt-action M40A1, which can fire 8mm bullets into a poor bastard’s skull up to a kilometer away. His sidearms are the M2 custom Carbine Rifle, a good choice for when mid-range rapid fire is the best option, and a Walther P38 pistol as a last resort. And throwing knives as a laster resort. Wiz: The heaviest gun Kanta has in his possession is a 40mm Rocket Launcher, only for use against the toughest obstacles. Since his 16mm grenades are more than enough to bypass a bullet-proof vest, Kanta rarely carries it, though the recent advent of an apprentice allows him to bring it to battle more often. Boomstick: More dakka! MORE! Wiz: These guns, along with nearly every weapon in the world at this point, is a replica of the original design, mass-produced off of one original copy that managed to survive the apocalypse. It has been admitted that the guns are not as effective as their original counterparts, having been given modifications to survive the harsh environments, but Punk does fine regardless. Boomstick: Fine is an understatement. He’s a damn good crack-shot, capable of hitting enemies holed up in tall buildings or behind large rocks, all while intentionally avoiding their vitals. One time, he even managed to snipe a man’s mask off of his face, while simultaneously using the recoil to clock another dude in the nutsack. Even when not in the best of positions, Kanta can equip a camera to the barrel of his gun, allowing him to snipe without looking through the scope. Wiz: Even with all these guns, Kanta will not expend ammunition if he can avoid it; as a survivalist, he knows everything he packs is vital. Thankfully, his tricks, traps, and smooth talking skills are enough to let him defeat gangs the size of army battalions without firing a single shot. Boomstick: He often does so with the help of various smoke gasses in order to disguise pre-made traps, or to make an escape. Hell, he can even shoot a colourless, odourless anaesthetic spray powerful enough to cause brain damage to its victims. Thankfully, Kanta is protected from his own air thanks to his specialized helmet, which filters out deadly toxins. It also comes complete with a scope eyepiece, magnification, and a sound-capture radio. Wiz: There’s more to his helmet than that. Every piece of Kanta’s desert suit except for his shoes is made out of Aramid, a bulletproof substance several times stronger than Kevlar. It also comes equipped with a fully functional air-conditioning and furnace unit, which keeps him alive in extreme temperatures. Though the suit can become lethally hot if the battery dies, it has saved him from headshots and droughts on countless occasions. He also has an anti-radar poncho, and a Night Suit which allows for stealth missions and protects against thermal vision. Boomstick: His suit has pockets filled with treats for every occasion, like a parachute, food supplies, a 50-thousand volt stun gun, and a dossier filled with information on literally every person in the desert who’s so much as touched a gun. Wiz: Boomstick is probably in that thing as well! Boomstick: The crème de la crème of the suit is the Rocket Winch, a custom-made device which allows him to soar through the air on nearly invisible wires. By firing out a grappling hook from his backpack, Kanta can scale buildings or traverse terrain at incredible speeds, giving the illusion that he is indeed a flying demon. The best part is, it’s hands-free, so he can still shoot while using it. Wiz: The Rocket Winch is so powerful, Kanta can escape from bomb explosions and keep ahead of armed enemies using rocket-powered flight while using it. Not just for keepaway, the momentum gained through its use grants the Desert Punk borderline superhuman strength. With it, he can swing his shotgun hard enough to one-shot a user of Hulk Syndrome, a disease which grants tremendous physical power, or kick so hard he can dent a bicycle helmet, which can normally withstand nearly 500 pounds of force. Boomstick: Or how about the time where he managed to climb a cliff nearly a kilometer away AND set up a trap there in the span of nearly five seconds? I’m looking at Wiz’s calculator here, and reading that as more than half the speed of sound. Wiz: One moment of aerial advantage is all the Desert Punk needs to finish most of his fights, raining death from above in the form of bullets, bombs, or balloons. Yes, balloons. Kanta’s go-to trick is deployment of his inflatable dummies, which look so realistic only his apprentice can tell them apart from the real deal before it’s too late. They also come complete with radios, allowing them to “speak”, and hooks which allow Kanta to attach them to his winch while he hides elsewhere. Boomstick: For a guy who travels through the air so often, he’s remarkably good at tunneling underground in the sand as well, usually to hide himself away from his balloons or to avoid explosives he’s attached to them. Wiz: But none of these weapons or traps would be useful without Kanta’s experience and incredibly tactical mind. Although many of his traps rely on time beforehand to prepare, Kanta is capable of conjuring and deploying new ones in the middle of a battle if need be. In a tenth of a second, he can analyze any given situation and uncover the weaknesses or ulterior motives of others, including flaws in armour or escape routes. Boomstick: It’s crazy how fast this guy can think. During one mission, while under pressure, he forced his friend to piss in the sand to create mud he could disguise himself from thermal imaging with. I mean, it would take me at least ten minutes to come up with something as ridiculous as that. Wiz: And if things aren’t going the way Kanta wants them too, well, he will make them. Whenever his equipment gets damaged, or he otherwise starts to fall onto the disadvantaged side of things, the Punk will become even more dangerously unpredictable. He will not hesitate to blow himself up if it means destroying an enemy objective and ending the match in a draw, which is why cornering him is the last thing you should do. Boomstick: He could probably survive it too! Even without his armour, his endurance is ridiculous, as shown when he survived with no food, no water, and heavy injuries in a heated room for over two days, or when he fell to the ground from the atmosphere, or when he got impaled by a robot through the spine! Wiz: This all comes back to Kanta’s cocky attitude to win at any cost, or die trying. That’s why most people know Kanta as a huge douchebag and have zero respect for him in spite of his skills. Kanta’s so much of a jackass that after getting betrayed by the government and taken in by an underground resistance movement, he betrayed the movement and joined the government simply because it would finally grant him the wealth and power he’d worked for for so long. Boomstick: Even I wouldn't ditch Wiz and purposefully cause an explosion that destroyed the country just for a few extra bucks. Wiz: Uh... thanks? Boomstick: Well, that move did land him a pair of nearly indestructible robot guardians to do his bidding, so while they annihilate armies and dodge rockets in his stead, the Punk can sit back, relax, and enjoy the two funbags that probably convinced him to turn tail in the first place. Wiz: That’s not the only thing a pair of breasts has made him do. Kanta’s number one weakness is his massively perverted mind. Like, I’m talking about ten times worse than Boomstick. Every time he nearly failed a mission, it was because boobs were involved. He has been duped by sexual advances and left for dead multiple times. He will go out of his way and nearly get himself killed for the sole purpose of copping a feel in the middle of a fight. Boomstick: Aw, c’mon, that doesn’t sound too bad. Wiz: He sexually assaulted a ten year-old girl and nearly raped her when he was nine. He also nearly sold a pair of little girls into slavery because they were too young for him. Boomstick: Any respect I had for this fucker is now lost. Wiz: Aside from that, his armour is vulnerable to fire and does not defend well against physics. It’s also possible to use his ego against him, as smarter enemies can play him just as well as he plays others. When frustrated enough, he can make the simplest mistakes at the wrong times, which can be fatal depending on the circumstances. Boomstick: Kanta has the skills to reload a shotgun with one hand, can beat up eight men in CQC with just a shovel, banished the ancient demon Inamaywa with just his spiritual aura, and defeated the invincible Fire Dragon Tank after proclaiming only the world’s biggest douche would attempt such a thing. But still... fuck this guy. Wiz: Yeah. Even if he can get the job done, he’s still the biggest douche in the Kanto Desert. Kanta: I’m a demon. And demons strike everywhere at once! A series of explosions go off, sending members of the Kowazu gang running for cover as Kanta flies overhead. Kanta: Baddest Motherfucker in Kanto. Interlude Wiz: All right, the combatants are set. Let's end this debate once and for all. Boomstick: It's time for a DEATH BATTLE!!! DEATH BATTLE! Narrator: The harsh, harsh desert. Water is rare, and happiness is even rarer, as people struggle through their day to day lives. Humanity has pressed on through various efforts, but still. For every man trying to make a decent living, there are ten who have earned an unfortunate reputation for being something of a troublemaker. And all it takes is one troublemaker to send everything to shit in a society already so dumb and fragile. But when two of them meet... hoo boy. The sun shines hot in the sky over Water Station #30, at a small bar near the local Handyman’s guild. A small man with a large hat covering his face is sipping at a glass of milk while two ladies walk into the town: Meryl Stryge and Milly Thompson. After looking around for a second, Milly grabs Meryl by the shoulder and excitedly points to the setting sun logo on the Guild’s door. Milly: Oh, Meryl! This is it! This is it! Meryl takes out a piece of paper from her pocket and matches its symbol to the one on the door. Meryl: I guess you’re right! Looks like this job will be easier than I thought! As they pass by the kid at the bar and enter the guild, he looks up and manages a quick glance at the two before they enter the bar. Kanta: (Internally) Holy shit! I haven’t seen anything like those in a long time! Damn, and they look that good with all the clothing they have on! Oh man, if only I could turn up the sun... let me see, the smaller one’s were more... but the larger one’s were... wait a minute! They’re both looking for a job! If I take whatever they want me to do and play my cards right, I won’t have to choose! Oh ho ho, this is going to be great! Kosuna: Master, you do realize that saying “bracket, internally, bracket” doesn’t mean nobody can hear you, right? Kanta: Sh... Shut up, Kosuna! You’re supposed to be cleaning shit right now! Kosuna slowly walks away, clearly annoyed. Kosuna: I wish I could clean your mind. Hmph! Kanta then runs inside the guild, and sees his boss Mugenya signing papers with Meryl and Milly. Excitedly, and on the point of drooling, he runs up and slams his fist on the table. Kanta: What’s the job? I’ll take it! Milly: Why, who is this little kid? Mugenya: That’s the Desert Punk. Despite his size, he’s the best mercenary the whole desert has ever seen! He can do anything you ask him; as a matter of fact, I think he’s perfect for this bodyguarding job. Kanta: (Really internally, this time) Bodyguarding? SWEET! I get to protect these babes from danger, and they’ll see what a man I am! Oh, I’ll bring them to my safehouse! Meryl: Are you sure? This is Vash the Stampede we’re talking about. Kanta: Ah, don’t sweat it! I’ve dealt with much worse! (Internally) Vash the Stampede? I’ve heard rumours of him. Tall guy, red coat, funky hair. Hah, easy! Meryl: Well, considering the reward is 60 Billion... Kanta: HOLY SHIT, 60 Billion! BE RIGHT BACK, I’M GOING TO TAKE CARE OF HIM NOW!!! Kanta signs the paper and runs off, leaving a cloud of dust in his footsteps. The three people remaining in the Guild office look blankly out the door. Meryl: Wow, he certainly was eager. Milly: Well look at that, Meryl! We found a bodyguard for Vash the Stampede! Now we can relax and he won’t get into any trouble from people coming to claim his 60 Billion dollar bounty! Mugenya: Yeah, and even weirder is how Kanta accepted the job for ten bucks. Usually he tries to up the price. Kanta grabs his guns from his shed and runs out into the desert. Kanta: Oh man, oh man. 60 Billion! No wonder those chicks were so well-dressed, they’re rich! Government, probably! That’s why they need protecting! Heck, with this money, I could probably buy them and a whole harem of girls! I’ll finally have my own boobie amusement park! Elsewhere, against the sun, Vash the Stampede stands on top of a small hill of sand, looking into the eyes of a massive punk with a red coat and a Mohawk. His hand is on his gun, but his finger isn’t on the trigger, while the gangster laughs at him. Descartes: I hope you’re ready to die, Humanoid Typhoon! Nobody’s ever beaten me twice! Vash: Ah, but what about three times or more? Descartes: Maybe this will teach you not to mock me! Descartes pulls a massive cannon out from under his coat and fires a cannonball at Vash, who merely catches the attack in his hand and tosses it from one to the other. As Descartes and his gangsters look on horrified, Vash smiles. Vash: Sorry, but I don’t think this ball of metal is going to teach me anything. Maybe you need to try again! Vash throws the ball at Descartes’ feet, but it’s enough to scare him and all his goons into tucking themselves into fetal position and rocking back and forth. Vash laughs, and starts to walk towards them. Vash: Now now, don’t be frig... A gunshot rings off and a bullet pierces Descarte’s head, dropping him to the ground. Vash’s jaw hits the ground, and soon, each member of the gang is dead along with their boss. Vash, now angered, looks to the sky, and out of the sunlight, Kanta descends to the ground, landing on Descarte’s head. Kanta: Well, he didn’t put up much of a fight. Vash: Who... WHO ARE YOU! WHY DID YOU KILL THEM? Kanta: Well, usually I’d strip them naked and let them roam free range, but man, 60 Billion can do a lot to a guy’s mind. Oh, and the name’s the Desert Punk. I’m kind of a big deal, you know? Lotta gung-ho, lotta guns, you look like a dumb tourist so it’s okay to be ignorant. Vash: (Internally) Another Gung-Ho Gun? After my bounty? Crap! What’s his secret? None of the others confronted me directly without some sort of... Kanta: Well, I guess I should check back on the girls now. Vash: (Internally) He has the Insurance Girls hostage? Crap, I have to deal with him right now! While Kanta walks away, a shot hits the back of his helmet, knocking his head forward, but bouncing off the armour. Kanta: What the fuck was that for? Kanta turns around, shotgun in hand, and sees Vash holding a machine gun out of his sleeve. Slowly, Kanta register’s Vash’s description, and a lightbulb goes off above his head. Kanta: Oh... YOU’RE the Stampede... Well, there goes the element of surprise. FIGHT!!! Two gunshots ring out, and the two bullets, having met in the air and melded together, fall to the ground. Vash stands with his drawn revolver against Kanta’s smoking Shotgun. Vash: Woah! You nearly hit me! Kanta: Meh. Suck it up and die, biotch! A bomb drops out of Kanta’s poncho and hits the ground, releasing a massive cloud of smoke. As Vash covers his mouth and aims his gun, Kanta shoots into the air while under cover, and fires his Shotgun down at Vash. Vash puts his arm down and looks up at Kanta, nearly hovering in the air in between winch swings. Kanta: Huh. Kanta fires again and Vash flinches, covering his eyes with his arm. Using his winch once more, Kanta realigns himself in the air behind the Stampede and fires, before tossing a flashbang into the air. Under the blinding light, he drops to the ground and fires three more times at his enemy, who has been standing still all the while. Kanta: Okay, I KNOW I hit him. What’s going on, bullet-proof vest? Vash turns around to face the Desert Punk, and a gust of wind blows his coat in the wind, revealing several shredded holes but not a single wound on the man himself. Kanta: Oh. Just luck. Meh. Vash cocks his arm and loads his machine-gun hand, pointing it at Kanta and beginning to fire at his feet. The Desert Punk hops in the air and fires his winch out into the distance, grappling himself away. Vash: Ah, so that’s how he flies. Vash runs after Kanta and the two speed across the desert side by side, firing bullets at each other. Although Kanta has to make effort to dodge, Vash seems content simply with running as the bullets fly by him. Suddenly, Kanta flies vertically, ascending to the top of a large abandoned building. Vash stands at the bottom and looks around at the desert city he’s been led into. As the Desert Punk lands on the top of the skyscraper, he fires a mortar down into the streets, striking a metal can next to where Vash is standing. A large explosion goes off, and Kanta wipes his helmet. Down in the streets below, Vash rolls out of the blast, bruised but not beaten, and gets up. Taking cover against the building to hide from Kanta’s sight, he takes out his revolver and cocks it, before slowly scooping down and grabbing a handful of small rocks. With a deep breath, he bolts across the street, and soon hears a gunshot ring out behind him. Turning around, he throws the rocks and ricochets the bullet off of them to send it harmlessly into the ground, while simultaneously firing his own shot off. The bullet strikes Kanta’s sniper rifle straight through the barrel, shattering it and knocking the mercenary to the ground. Kanta: Shit, I JUST had this repaired! Kanta fires his winch and travels down into the city, swinging in between buildings and dodging Vash’s machine gun fire. Hoping for an opening, he slides a grenade shell into his shotgun and fires it into the room Vash is hiding in, but the Stampede merely kicks it away before it reaches the window, causing a large explosion to envelop the front of the building. Kanta deactivates his winch and crashes through one of the windows, rolling to the ground, and then runs up the stairs to where the Humanoid Typhoon is hiding. A firefight ensues, with Kanta’s short and powerful shotgun blasts contending against the rapid fire of Vash’s machine arm. Each desert dweller ducks behind rocks and ruins in the building as they chase each other through the hallways, occasionally lighting up the darkness of hallways and rooms with the flashes of their barrels. Vash: Mama , Mama , pourquoi je ne jamais quitter la violence derrière moi ? Kanta : Hombre , esto apesta . Debería estar deleitándoos en esos montículos de leche gloriosos hacia atrás en mi libreta por ahora. Vash : Attends une minute. Ce pas de temps à parler en Français. Kanta : Espera , ¿por qué demonios estoy hablando Español ? Vash: Me pregunto si alguien se va a traducir esto? Kanta: Probablemente no. Eventually finding himself in a dead end, the Desert Punk tosses a small bomb behind him and blows a hole in the ground, falling backwards through it and into the floor below. Vash hesitates following, wary of a trap, until a canister pops out of the whole and floods the room with smoke. Tossing another smokescreen ahead of him for insurance, Kanta puts his gun away and pulls out his knife before using his winch to fly back out of the hole. Vash, coughing in the smoke, slowly readies his gun for the first sound of enemy fire, narrowing his eyes on a shadow that looms in the smoke. Instead, Kanta leaps out of his smokescreen from behind, and as the Humanoid Typhoon turns around surprised, stabs Vash in the chest, causing him to yell in pain before kicking the Punk off. Flipping a small knife out of his own boot, he swings at Kanta and duels him for a tiny bit before Kanta grabs both knives, yanks down, and pulls out a stun-rod, sticking it into Vash’s abdomen. Activating it, Desert Punk giggles with glee as Vash is shocked with 50 000 volts, but after only a few seconds of pain, Vash stands tall and grips the stun gun. Kanta is shocked by what he perceives to be an illusion of angel wings growing out of Vash’s back as he absorbs all the energy in the weapon, before tossing the empty stick to the ground with a clang. As Punk tries to hold his hands up in surrender, a renewed Vash Sparta-kicks him through the wall, and out into the desert once more. Kanta: What the hell is with this guy? Probably some high-tech equipment he’s got on. His face is unprotected, I just need a clear shot. As Vash makes his way into the room Kanta landed in, he holsters his gun and raises two fingers from each hand. Vash: Now, listen, I really don’t want this to get any more out of hand... But before he can finish his offer, Kanta throws down another Flashbang, temporarily blinding the Stampede. As the Plant slowly opens his eyes, his eyes grow to the size of dinner plates when he sees himself surrounded by nine incarnations of the Desert Punk, each staring at him ominously. Kanta’s Balloons: Watcha gonna do now? Vash: None of his clones have their weapons out, this may be my only chance. In a split second, Vash draws his revolver, fires four shots, reloads, and fires five more shots, striking each balloon in the leg. To his surprise, they all pop, leaving him unaware of where the real Desert Punk really is. Vash: Balloons? Kanta: (Internally) Holy crap, he burned through them all! Well, I may as well attack since I still have the upper hand. Lucky me I decided to hide down here. Kanta’s hands stick out of the sand underneath Vash and pull his legs out from under him, tripping and slamming him to the ground. The Desert Punk rises out from the sand and twirls his shotgun in his arms before bashing the Humanoid Typhoon’s head side to side repeatedly with the butt of his gun. Rolling him over, he then points his barrel straight into Vash’s face and fires point blank. To his annoyance, Vash has rolled his head to the side, avoiding the bullet while still being pinned. Biting the shotgun in his teeth, he throws the weapon to the side, and the punk with it, before hopping to his feet and landing like a ballerina with his arms in the air. One of the arms clicks and his hand slides back again to activate his machine gun arm. Aiming it at Kanta, he fires several shots at the Punk’s legs and midsection, all of which bounce off the Aramid armour but still force him back through their kinetic energy. Kanta: Ow ow ow ow ow ow wait a minute, a robotic arm? Shit, that explains everything! Vash: Wow, that equipment is pretty tough. This explains everything! Vash and Kanta: He’s a robot! Kanta: Well Kaizuka, your designs have been improving fast. But let’s not forget I’ve taken on machines before! With a quick shot, Kanta strikes Vash in the shoulder, temporarily knocking the machine arm numb. As Vash tries to move his limb, Kanta loads and fires yet another flashbang, but this one emits a slightly grey colour. While the light covers the area, Vash picks up his shotgun and starts to run away. Kanta: Now that your artificial radar is blinded and you have only one bullet left, I can... The Punk’s words trail off as a knife flies out of the light and slices the barrel off his gun. As he takes a second to register the occurance and then screams, Vash steps out of the light, now wearing his tinted sunglasses. Kanta: This... THIS WAS MY FATHER’S, YOU ASS!!! Vash: I’m sorry, but I’d prefer it if you didn’t keep aiming it at me! Kanta, gritting his teeth underneath his helmet, pulls out a remote control and presses a big red button on it. His winch then fires out of his backpack and latches on to the top of a building. As he reels himself up, however, Vash aims his revolver with his good hand and fires. The bullet strikes the side of Kanta’s winch, creating a small blast which sends Kanta flying into the building instead of on the roof. The Mercenary hurries to get the flaming backpack off of him, and looks down on his ruined equipment before screaming once again. As Vash looks up and shrugs, he turns around to leave the battlefield, before stopping in his tracks. Sensing an unfamiliar presence in the air around him, the Stampede suddenly leaps into the air and dodges a surprise attack from the side which blows up the wall surrounding him. As he lands and keeps an eye on the hole where the attack came from, a pair of arms suddenly grabs him from behind. Struggling to get free, Vash glances behind him and sees a giant, black being with its face shrouded by a thick hood, save a pair of purple glowing eyes. As the Stampede kicks away at it, from the hole in front of him emerges another Guardian, this one with yellow eyes. Vash grits his teeth before he is punched in the face by the first guardian, kneed in the back by the second, and punched in the stomach by the first. He gets let go and dropped to the ground, panting, while the Guardians look over him. One of them answers a buzzing radio while the Humanoid Typhoon wheezes on the ground. Kanta: Take your time, dumb robots. How’s it going down there? I need time to make my repairs. Robot #1: Target is down. Kanta: Good. I’ll be right down. Robot #1: Target is running away. Kanta: WHAT? True enough, Vash is booking it down the street as fast as he can away from the robots, back out into the desert landscape. Kanta: FOLLOW HIM YOU IDIOTS! The two robots run after the Humanoid Typhoon, but are completely outmatched by his speed, and soon lose him. Robot #2: Spreading out. Requiring assistance from Punk. Kanta: Negative. Keep doing what you’re doing, I have a plan. The Guardians separate and scour the area, until Vash whistles at them from back in the city, waving hello. Once again they run after him and split up to search the area. Cautiously, one of them enters a building’s first floor while the other hangs outside. As #2 looks around inside the room, a finger in a black glove reaches out from behind him and touches him on the shoulder. Kanta: Find him yet? Before he can give an answer, the first guardian hears a commotion coming from the room near him. Robot #1: Warning. Presence nearby. Target... Too late, the Guardian is surprised by the wall beside him smashing open, and his partner flying out of it towards him. The two tumble to the ground and roll down a hill, as Vash walks out, dusting his hands off. As the two Guardians climb to their feet, Vash stomps on the ground and hits his foot on one of the ends of the Punisher, hidden underneath the sand. From up above, Kanta looks down on the action. Kanta: A hidden weapon?! Vash raises the Punisher up and catches its grip in his hand, whipping the cloth off with his free arm. Pointing it at the Guardians, he pulls the trigger and fires a massive rocket at the two, who can only stand still as the shell hits them and explodes, reducing them to nothing but tattered inactive scraps of metal. Kanta takes off his helmet and looks on with disbelief as Vash sticks his weapon back in the sand, and looks at the flames. Kanta: My Winch... my gun... my robots... YOU BASTARD!!! Kanta’s eyes narrow and become fierce, and he grabs four grenades from his pockets. Holding them close to his body, he runs and jumps off the building, flying down towards Vash in a suicide attack. Kanta: DIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!! Vash turns around and looks up, seeing the Desert Punk fall at him, and screams in shock. Instinctively pulling out his revolver, he fires a shot, striking Kanta and knocking him off balance. The mercenary falls to the sand next to Vash, who looks at him with pity and disappointment. Kanta: AAHHHH!!! AHHHHH!!! YOU SHOT MY BALLS!!! WHYYYYYYYY! WHYYYYYYYY!!!!!!! Vash: It was the only way I could hit you without killing you! Kanta: ARE YOU KIDDING ME???!?!?!?!? THIS IS A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH!!! OWOWOWOW!!! On the verge of crying, Kanta clutches his crotch as Vash looks down at him awkwardly. Kanta: GO TO HELL, MOTHERFUCKER!!! Vash: Wait, NO! Kanta rips the pins out of his grenades while he lies bleeding on the ground, and tosses them in between himself and Vash. Vash yells and steps forward, but the blast goes off and covers the two in a large blast of fire and smoke. Slowly, the smoke fades away, and Vash the Stampede is still standing, with his arm still outstretched. He’s covered in soot, but otherwise fine. Where Kanta used to be now lies a small cloth rag, and a lot of blood. Vash: ..Why?... K.O!!! Vash cries out a waterfall of tears over Kanta’s... remains. The Desert Punk’s helmet blows away like a tumbleweed in the wind. Results Boomstick: Dibs on all his guns! Wiz: This was a closer match than one might think, especially since Vash’s refusal to use the Angel Arm really limited his potential. Kanta is unpredictable and Vash is a pacifist, which put the Stampede at an initial disadvantage. However, the Desert Punk’s years of experience failed to stack up to The Humanoid Typhoon’s, who has been kicking around for over a century and is quick to adapt to opponents of any fighting strategy. Boomstick: Kanta is great at figuring out the strategies of opponents and uncovering their weaknesses, but had no such luck with Vash. Even if he identified the mechanical arm and preference to not waste ammo, there is no cheap exploitable weakness to raw skill. Wiz: Vash’s insanely fast draw kept Kanta on the defensive, a position he doesn’t really like. Even when faced with multiple decoy balloons, the Humanoid Typhoon’s skills allowed him to blast each one to find the real deal before Kanta could even register his hand movement. Boomstick: Seriously. This guy can fire three shots and make it sound like only one went off. That’d sure screw up a guy who planned on counting bullets, especially one as cocky as the Desert Punk. Wiz: It’s also likely Vash was able to figure out and cripple the Rocket Winch in a single shot, like when he did the same to E.G. Mine’s spiked shield mechanism. The Winch can reach insanely fast travel speeds, but not only can Vash match them on foot, but Vash’s minimalist strategies limited his movement, thus impacting the size of the battlefield and the Winch’s effectiveness. Thus, a huge portion of the Desert Punk’s fighting strategy was lost. Boomstick: More importantly, Kanta really couldn’t hit Vash with anything he had, because the Stampede is a man so good at dodging bullets he can do it without appearing to move at all. Even the gas grenades weren’t effective, as Vash is pretty damn good at kicking explosives back to sender. The rocket may have been a challenge, but then again Vash has withstood the force of a gun so powerful it destroyed a city. Wiz: The difference in durability is very clear-cut. Vash is covered in scars, but he is able to keep fighting no matter how many large injuries he takes, only stopping once the deal is done. Kanta has also survived some normally lethal circumstances, but they still cripple him and leave him hospitalized for months on end. Boomstick: Once Kanta found himself on the losing end of the spectrum, his insanity kicked in and the suicide attacks began. But if he couldn’t hit or kill Vash normally, chances are that’d be a waste of his own life with nothing gained whatsoever. Wiz: Kanta’s aces in the hole were his two robot guardians. As improved versions of machines that could eliminate entire army squads and withstand 16-mm grenades, they were tremendously powerful, and very skilled in teamwork. The rocket of the Punisher may have been able to destroy a similar being, but it appears to only hold one shot. Boomstick: But Vash’s thrift-savvy mind and quick-thinking made him score two with the price of one. Even if that didn’t work out as well as he liked, Vash’s arsenal is much more powerful than standard issue, so it wouldn’t take long to wear the second guardian down. Wiz: Plus, the guardians are not mindless, and are not 100% loyal to the Desert Punk. Since the Punk often leaves his allies in the dark on how his strategies work, this actually damaged his ability to take Vash with an unexpected risky maneuver. Boomstick: Kanta sure dropped the ball on this one. Wiz: The winner is Vash the Stampede. Do you agree with the results of Vash Vs Kanta? Yes No The results were right, the reasoning was not Trivia This episode marks the first time a character MP999 used in one of his OMM tournaments has entered one of his Death Battles. Vash the Stampede participated in the Phoenix Rising Tournament. Next Time Scenes from Captain America 2 rapidly play, depicting the action and abilities of the titular antagonist. Black Widow: Most of the intelligence community doesn't know he exists. Those that do call him the Winter Soldier. Category:MP999 Category:What-If? Death Battles Category:'Gun Fights' Themed Death Battles Category:'Hero vs. Hero' Themed Death Battle Category:'Hero vs. Villain' themed Death Battles Category:'Anime/Manga' themed Death Battles Category:Completed What-If? Death Battles Category:What-If? Death Battles completed in 2016